She’s smart and beautiful and Ted is intrigued. He has gone so far as to learn personal details about her. He hasn’t approached her yet but, because the conference will last a few more days, he knows an opportunity will present itself.

Ted lets his business partners in on his plan to bump into her and they rib him good-naturedly.

The problem with this (true) scenario is that all of these guys are married, and not one of them seems to consider this type of behavior inappropriate.

Nothing has come of Ted’s scheming yet. But does that matter when it comes to defining marital integrity – aka cheating?

The definition of cheating is broader today than in the past, not because cheating is more prevalent (although that could be true) – it’s because we recognize the adverse affects on a relationship. But do men and women still have different points of view? You betcha.

It’s common for men to believe that if they’re just looking, they’re still on safe ground. Well, to a degree they are. In fact, I think it would be unnatural if men didn’t appreciate and acknowledge women.

Every now and then my husband comments on a particularly striking woman. Rather than taking offense, I agree with him. He’s expressing an opinion and then moving on. Do you see the difference? There’s openness and detachment here.

It’s easy to treat marriage casually or take it for granted. After all, day-to-day life is busy and challenging. Not many of us are consciously nurturing our relationships, so they tend to end up being rather routine.

When we stop thinking about what being married means, our behavior can shift a bit. Allowing this to happen is a choice, maybe an unconscious one but a choice nonetheless.

Consider the behavior of a married man who pays attention to another woman by casually flirting, sending non-work related emails, extending lunch invitations, buying small gifts, exchanging personal details or anything else that deepens his connection to her.

All these deliberate actions fall under the guise of, “She’s really interesting and I like getting to know her better.” He may think this is quite innocent – after all, he’s not touching her.

But he’s flirting with fire.

Clearly his intent is to cultivate his affinity with her. And, as time goes on it will be increasingly difficult to disconnect from the satisfaction and thrill he derives from it.

So, regardless of whether an emotional attachment leads to a physical affair, is this behavior really cheating?

We know in our hearts that it is. When he focuses his energy and attention on another woman, he lacks integrity in his marriage. Clandestine behavior is cheating.

Here’s a definition that everyone can understand, even him: If you wouldn’t behave that way in front of your spouse, it’s cheating. Period.

So, what about Ted? Yup, definitely cheating.

[I’d like to know what you think. Leave your comment.]